Breakup of ZKaja

March 25 - Breaking up with Kaja Two wake-up calls at night at 02:00, 05:00 and 07:00 At 7:00 am I was still sleepy. I think it's the effect of it and I slept on my stomach. The neck stiffens, the fingers are bloodless and in addition I slept with the window closed, which probably caused the body to regenerate more slowly. It's good that I remembered that today I have planned a Tramal. In a moment I am going to brew herbs, change my clothes, for a short 20 minutes of meditation. Yesterday I was listening to meditation on Radio Paranormalium. Fuck, but I hate this meditation, and on the other hand, how am I going to defeat all those who have destroyed me? Especially my father !!! I need to learn meditation !!! Then I blow everything off: tetris, brain challenge, balls, because I have to learn to meditate and discover my psychic possibilities! Report - Knowledge and reading books are closer to life success. I didn't feel like anything again. Thread. Fuck everything. I also got a reply from Kaja this morning. Devastated by the fact that I wrote so little on the gg, what's up with me, that I did not spend even 10 minutes on it. And that she would like to meet, but as she sees it is probably not the right time. Man, I don't want Kaja anymore, I just don't want her ... I want to be alone, live for free for some 800 PLN and do nothing all day. Lie in bed, exercise, do nothing. I want to be alone, I don't need Kaja. I have to break up with her somehow. I wrote to her and by the evening I will write back something longer on the gg. Just what? Lie to meet someone? no, that's a lie - I hate lies, right? I think... I do not know how to write it, I emphasize that I want to do it gently. Well, I never actually did, never broke up with a girl. In fact, we were not together, although we felt something for each other, these tender words, letters - somehow made you seduce me that I fell in love with you again. But I don't think I love you anymore. I'm sorry you. He continues to say that you are the greatest woman I have ever met in my life and probably your future boyfriend will be a true lucky one, but I do not feel anything for you anymore. I am writing it right now, because when I logically analyze it, I know that the longer I wait, the more harm I will do, keeping you in hope and uncertainty. It's hard for me to call a little and say it, let alone see and say it in person. Of course, if you would like to meet, I don't mind, but only as cousins. You know that it's hard to say it directly, moreover, you broke up with your boyfriend in the list too. I am entering the stage of adult life. I had to think seriously about many things ... What he wants in life, what he wants to do and who to be. Forgive me, I hope if there was anything, it won't turn into hate. We can always write to ourselves from time to time, exchange a few sentences. You are pretty, kind, tolerant, loving, bright, you have beautiful feminine shapes - you will surely meet some prince from a fairy tale. But that prince won't be me. I wrote today for the first time to Rafal Pawlik regarding the cancellation of tomorrow's meeting. He hasn't written back to me yet. In addition, today wrote Maksym. He wrote that he really liked the music that was attached to the card. But somehow I don't care so much about rebuilding our friendship either. I believed I was going to do this fucking meditation - but the fuck from this fucking fucking meditation. Tramal gives me what I need. But on the other hand ... I don't want to take the tram. Biarac tramal and replacing it meditation feels like a loser. Yes, I lost the fight against life and myself. I felt great and invincible. Yet I was beaten by the public health service and doctors. In total, man is responsible for his own fate. I wanted to be sick ... it happened. I'm sick.... If not for the psychiatrists, everyone would see doctors until they were successful. Until who will find outstanding and wonderful and heal you. Each. However, I made mistakes for which I paid a HUGE PRICE !!! HUGE!!! But as I told Rafal Pawlik recently, it's not that bad. There are -2 degrees Celsius. Now I listen to Yurim - those beautiful love songs that Maksym gave me two years ago. Oh, you could fall in love ... Those were the times. Today I came up with a nice comparison to the disease. Illness is like a fire in your home. Fire poses on its way everything it can: walls, furniture, rooms, roofs ... Health services are like firefighters who put out a fire. They give medicine. The fire is put out and they say: the house is safe and sound. But that's shit true. Because the house has to be rebuilt. My body, especially my bones and spine after a spinal cord attack, were brittle and weak. Burned out by disease. But the fire was extinguished (inflamed) so it was cured ... A moment ago, during the evening bath, there was a leakage from the coil. At the same time, such discomfort when urinating and in the testicles. Acid leak. Eh, I immediately thought that I would report the matter to the Urologist in May. We'll see what he says to that. All in all, I remembered that chlamydia began to attach to the prostate today ... About 1-2 hours ago I wrote to say that I broke up with Kaja. I consulted with Drops and Esther. Marta said to my letter that if she had gotten something like that, she would not be offended. Ester said that he would probably start crying after that from the second sentence. I wrote this to Kaja at 21:14. For fear of her reaction, I turned off the phone. And I have to write something else here. There are two sides to me. On the one hand, I do not want to hurt her, and on the other, I want to show her a little what it is like to suffer out of love ... I used to want to hurt her, as she hurt me, although I forgave her. After all, I received the most beautiful apology I have ever received in my life. They were really beautiful. Now I just don't want to be with her anymore. Maybe he wants to suffer too. Suffer from love. I don't want her anymore ... I would even like her to have a boyfriend whom she loved and be happy with someone. On the other hand, I would like to have me hidden in her heart somewhere. Maybe I'm too immature for mature feeling.