Increase

I woke up very early, 2:27 I think. I decided to meditate with Esther, but that's ass. I am not fucking getting better !!! I really wanted Tramal, this nonsense of life again. I even told myself that: fuck everything, my goal in life is doing nothing !! Just live and exist. Such -2 degrees Celsius. I don't give a shit about everything. I don't give a shit. Even when I write my comparisons in my diary, I feel like a madman. Anyway, I was turned into a madman, a schizophrenic, which is a lot to cheat here. I'm afraid to use my comparisons ... At night, I was worried about the pain in this lumbar vertebra again. Such a pain that is not stinging, but a kind of overload. Today I have planned a healing fast. We'll see what comes out. I met 2 girls in the Park during morning training. I thought it might be Cornelia. They were walking towards me and suddenly turned back. Then, for appearances, I went to the playground at the end of the training to see who it was. I felt that she was looking at me, I felt that it could be Cornelia. The girl was pretty, but it wasn't Cornelia. I think she asked a friend next to the blonde to watch me. I don't know who it was. After the training, I went in the direction of the river - actually, I wanted to do the same, but I guess to make appearances I went too. While I was at the steps before I also met this drunkard. He was talking to me, he said that he also had back problems and I wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to be alone ... On my way back along the park, I also met these crusader girls. I wondered who they were. I didn't want to talk to them, and what's more, after such a long period of abstinence, I can't talk to girls. Anyway, I don't even want to. I do not want. And even if they talked, I would ask them ... Now, when I returned after 10:00, Kaja wrote. In the morning, after many days, almost 2 weeks, I wrote back to her and we lose contact. I wrote back something to get rid of her. Suddenly, as I thought about everything - I want to be alone, I don't want Kaja. I want to be alone. Let him find another boy, let him find a husband, so that I can get rid of her from my head and memory. I don't want her, I don't think I love her anymore. I want to be alone. And at the same time, there is a strange dark side to me: she wants her "a little, but a little" to have me in her memory when I broke up with her. I don't know why ... Maybe just in case. Maybe everyone wants to be loved, adored by someone, and on the other hand, I withdraw and reject her. Yes, I want to be alone ... Even today I was thinking about a new affirmation, such as: I want to do nothing, have a high rent of PLN 800, live for free in my apartment. I want to be alone.... In the morning, in desperation, I also wrote to finalstan, the one who taught me meditation and knows channeling. He wrote quite an exhaustive email a moment ago. I'm going for potatoes, I'll read it soon. I read some time ago. I'm just pissed off even more. Although I imagined how the Angel would tell me something, hurt me and thus forever fucking abandon esotericism, meditation and other fucking fucking. Or he'll even kill himself, oh .... And fuck your ass, we'll see who will be so extremely important for the future ... I think I managed to do it again today with meditation. Because I don't want to write a second time, I'm even afraid to write long things, because of the backbone I will paste the content of the email I sent him: Heh, when I read your email today, I got angry. But it wasn't angry with you. I guess I even have to admit it was angry with the Angels. I even cried, even cursed sharply, fisted with anger. I was shouting words like: "h *** you f *** d *** angels, fuck you. F *** for 2 years I have been doing ig *** out of this" (sorry if I offended you, it was not the purpose of this email). AND: It seems to me that it was a kind of discharge of negative tensions in the body, negative feelings. It's like a technique of getting into a meditative state, just like you can do it by counting, breathing, tightening your muscles ... I felt that I wanted to lie down. And I lay down in the corpse position (in this I try to sleep because I had very serious problems with the spine and this one is the safest for me). I started to breathe deeply. For a long time, I felt quite a long need to breathe, maybe even 10 minutes. I will add that in the morning I exercised and stretched my body. And it was a small success! I did not feel the need to move, I joined 3 fingers, as you once described to me - even if I felt intuitively that I had to do that. Just a dead body position that many find uncomfortable. And as if I entered. I didn't fight my thoughts, I watched them. I even took pleasure in my thoughts full of anger and hatred towards my father! And we did it... It was true that it was not the same effect as 2 years ago when I also managed to enter, but then I was a happy man. Then I felt something else. I felt calm, full of life, composed, a mess of thoughts merged into one harmonious whole. I was extremely creative, intelligent, I felt the need to clean my room after meditation and I felt that it changed my life. I don't think I ever achieved this state again. You watched the movie Jestes Godiem from 2011? There, the main character had pills (drug) called nzt, which stimulated 100% of the brain. When I watched it, I saw in the hero as if himself, who had an extremely creative mind after taking the pill - and I associated this moment of cleaning my room with me. Because how to work in such a mess. Now I felt something different. Well, much smaller than 2 years ago, but it was still interesting. And so it was beautiful. Whole body heavy, I didn't want to move. I just wanted to be in this state. When the hate was stronger, I took a deeper breath with the air still in my lungs. I do not know how to call it. Just THANKS !!! I understood what to do ... I'm just afraid that in the evening when I sit (or rather lie down) to meditation again - I may not get out again ... But thank you. With this e-mail, you evoked in me emotions that allowed me to unload my anger, anger that you can say blocked me, were too strong and not discharged for me to enter the state of meditation. Thanks!!! Oh one more thing. Each time I sat down to meditation, I had the intention that an answer, a clue or an angel would appear to me and tell me again what to do. Now I was just watching, or as you wrote, I was working on working out the hate that is inside me ... But now how do I do to talk to the angel through meditation? Can you give any tips? In the evening I watched a movie on YouTube: Growth. A very interesting film about ufo, renewable, unlimited sources of energy. I fell asleep for a while and didn't watch, but at some point I woke up. Specifically at the time when there was a fragment about society. When you are not subject to social rules and norms - people destroy you themselves and control each other. SYSTEM! I saw it as if I was myself. I was raided ... Yes, I feel overwhelmed by the system, and I thought that nothing in my life would ever threaten me again !!!