Thoughts of suicide

June 25 - MysliSamobojcze - 4:00 wake up automatically, preparing for life - 4:30 or a bit later WFM - 6:00 or so I went for a run. But because of the fact that I ate watermelon first and then as many as 4 slices of garlic while running, I felt a mega drop in energy compared to yesterday. This resulted and I developed a new meal schedule: 5711141721. I made a mistake in the morning. I stuck to my rigid rules / procedures. I should eat the sausages I ate later in town in the new green container. In addition, in those high-rise sweatpants and Uncle Jack's long sweatshirt, I felt a bit like a skinny freak. - In the afternoon around 2 p.m. sadness, slight sadness. Thoughts of suicide. I thought to myself: either it would be nice to die, or to have finally diagnosed with cancer in the brain and die, so that my father would lose his reputation !!! HUJ FUCKED! - He's thinking about dinner again, because I ate an egg with potatoes. It's still nothing, but I feel terribly fed up about what my stomach signals. But what's good about this situation: - Today I felt much more confident in making "outing meals" as I call them. To do your best, you first need to make a mistake to know how to do the right thing. So let's put it this way. - but I want the tramal today. A beautiful sadness to enjoy yet the tram. - Radiation in the fight against chlamydia? I uploaded files to the hamster all day long. I named the hamster Hemi-Sync. I felt so stiff, so tight, it felt like a radiation effect! - I have enough, the pain is wandering, I have not even finished this book. I have everything in my fucking ass, I want to go to sleep now, only dinner! Fuckin 'meditation - I wrote to Michal Sornat today. He has agreed to meet, he has free time - In addition, I wrote to Elen, a little persuasively, to agree: what would happen if I committed suicide? Probably I will not agree to such an answer, but it will not hurt to try. At least I tried to convince her to get an answer. - Before dinner, I ate 3 apples. A total of 2 would be enough for me, and after 3 I feel a little stuffed. And fear and guilt again. I will eat: I will get fat and I will be sick. I will not eat: lose weight and burn muscle mass. Eh ... I have to bear in mind that eating a meal with half full stomach absorbs the food well, as if I were thinking half full with my mouth. Try to wash your mouth fully - you can't. You have to pour out a little water because it is blocking you. Yes, yes, and now I feel after eating as many as 3 apples, and you still have to eat dinner. Container unwashed. And I would like to go to sleep. Well, I will eat only cheese, I will eat sandwiches tomorrow, and this will motivate me to spend more time at the computer. - PS I didn't go to sleep. It's dinner time. About 9pm I took 3 slices of petticoat and cottage cheese. I had the intention to eat the slices in the morning and now cheese. And as if looking at this food, I felt that I was producing the right gastric acids in my stomach, as if the body had prepared itself for this food, and at the same time I still have undigested apples in my stomach. Stomach acids got mixed up and I started to feel bigos in my stomach, you could even call it some kind of pain: D - I felt that sugar and cocoa would be a good medicine. Yes, there was cocoa. Yes, I drank guiltily, because in addition it's milk, mixed with sugar ... God, real hypochondria. After all, 2 of my affirmations would be enough in those situations that I did not say: - I eat when and only when I'm hungry - this fucking whore does not impress me at all, on any level of body and mind. - poison in a small dose is a cure. - By the way, today and probably yesterday after the run, expressing this affirmation, I feel very resistant to the age-old stress associated with the mother. - Heh, now, as I even told myself about it all, I felt better mentally. I'm going to wash, we'll see if I can smuggle food in the morning. Mom left earlier and saw him washing the container. She left earlier because there was only cold water. - And so reading Kurt Tepperwein's Book, it came to me to use his methods in conjunction with mine to create two things simultaneously as part of the experiment: - The first thing is a beautiful death of your own - Second - to be a superhero who will save the world from destruction with his power. Now I am thinking, how about combining these two things and writing them down in my notebook? hmmm ... Why don't you? And we'll see if it happens. According to kurta, you can't do anything wrong with these methods. So theoretically, if I devour all my thoughts to take revenge on my father - I am not able to do him any harm. In fact, I do not even want to, I want to unload my anger and hatred towards him and ridicule him in public. He can also show his pain to others, show off ... How strong I am. Yes, I think so I was watching Dr. House. I wanted to meet such a guest and be super sick. Has become. It happened in part because dr. I haven't met House yet. An easier thing happened, and after all, I didn't use any technique, I just watched, visualized. And it happened quite quickly.