Increase

I woke up very early, 2:27 I think. I decided to meditate with Esther, but that's ass. I am not fucking getting better !!! I really wanted Tramal, this nonsense of life again. I even told myself that: fuck everything, my goal in life is doing nothing !! Just live and exist. Such -2 degrees Celsius. I don't give a shit about everything. I don't give a shit. Even when I write my comparisons in my diary, I feel like a madman. Anyway, I was turned into a madman, a schizophrenic, which is a lot to cheat here. I'm afraid to use my comparisons ... At night, I was worried about the pain in this lumbar vertebra again. Such a pain that is not stinging, but a kind of overload. Today I have planned a healing fast. We'll see what comes out. I met 2 girls in the Park during morning training. I thought it might be Cornelia. They were walking towards me and suddenly turned back. Then, for appearances, I went to the playground at the end of the training to see who it was. I felt that she was looking at me, I felt that it could be Cornelia. The girl was pretty, but it wasn't Cornelia. I think she asked a friend next to the blonde to watch me. I don't know who it was. After the training, I went in the direction of the river - actually, I wanted to do the same, but I guess to make appearances I went too. While I was at the steps before I also met this drunkard. He was talking to me, he said that he also had back problems and I wanted to end this conversation as soon as possible. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to be alone ... On my way back along the park, I also met these crusader girls. I wondered who they were. I didn't want to talk to them, and what's more, after such a long period of abstinence, I can't talk to girls. Anyway, I don't even want to. I do not want. And even if they talked, I would ask them ... Now, when I returned after 10:00, Kaja wrote. In the morning, after many days, almost 2 weeks, I wrote back to her and we lose contact. I wrote back something to get rid of her. Suddenly, as I thought about everything - I want to be alone, I don't want Kaja. I want to be alone. Let him find another boy, let him find a husband, so that I can get rid of her from my head and memory. I don't want her, I don't think I love her anymore. I want to be alone. And at the same time, there is a strange dark side to me: she wants her "a little, but a little" to have me in her memory when I broke up with her. I don't know why ... Maybe just in case. Maybe everyone wants to be loved, adored by someone, and on the other hand, I withdraw and reject her. Yes, I want to be alone ... Even today I was thinking about a new affirmation, such as: I want to do nothing, have a high rent of PLN 800, live for free in my apartment. I want to be alone.... In the morning, in desperation, I also wrote to finalstan, the one who taught me meditation and knows channeling. He wrote quite an exhaustive email a moment ago. I'm going for potatoes, I'll read it soon. I read some time ago. I'm just pissed off even more. Although I imagined how the Angel would tell me something, hurt me and thus forever fucking abandon esotericism, meditation and other fucking fucking. Or he'll even kill himself, oh .... And fuck your ass, we'll see who will be so extremely important for the future ... I think I managed to do it again today with meditation. Because I don't want to write a second time, I'm even afraid to write long things, because of the backbone I will paste the content of the email I sent him: Heh, when I read your email today, I got angry. But it wasn't angry with you. I guess I even have to admit it was angry with the Angels. I even cried, even cursed sharply, fisted with anger. I was shouting words like: "h *** you f *** d *** angels, fuck you. F *** for 2 years I have been doing ig *** out of this" (sorry if I offended you, it was not the purpose of this email). AND: It seems to me that it was a kind of discharge of negative tensions in the body, negative feelings. It's like a technique of getting into a meditative state, just like you can do it by counting, breathing, tightening your muscles ... I felt that I wanted to lie down. And I lay down in the corpse position (in this I try to sleep because I had very serious problems with the spine and this one is the safest for me). I started to breathe deeply. For a long time, I felt quite a long need to breathe, maybe even 10 minutes. I will add that in the morning I exercised and stretched my body. And it was a small success! I did not feel the need to move, I joined 3 fingers, as you once described to me - even if I felt intuitively that I had to do that. Just a dead body position that many find uncomfortable. And as if I entered. I didn't fight my thoughts, I watched them. I even took pleasure in my thoughts full of anger and hatred towards my father! And we did it... It was true that it was not the same effect as 2 years ago when I also managed to enter, but then I was a happy man. Then I felt something else. I felt calm, full of life, composed, a mess of thoughts merged into one harmonious whole. I was extremely creative, intelligent, I felt the need to clean my room after meditation and I felt that it changed my life. I don't think I ever achieved this state again. You watched the movie Jestes Godiem from 2011? There, the main character had pills (drug) called nzt, which stimulated 100% of the brain. When I watched it, I saw in the hero as if himself, who had an extremely creative mind after taking the pill - and I associated this moment of cleaning my room with me. Because how to work in such a mess. Now I felt something different. Well, much smaller than 2 years ago, but it was still interesting. And so it was beautiful. Whole body heavy, I didn't want to move. I just wanted to be in this state. When the hate was stronger, I took a deeper breath with the air still in my lungs. I do not know how to call it. Just THANKS !!! I understood what to do ... I'm just afraid that in the evening when I sit (or rather lie down) to meditation again - I may not get out again ... But thank you. With this e-mail, you evoked in me emotions that allowed me to unload my anger, anger that you can say blocked me, were too strong and not discharged for me to enter the state of meditation. Thanks!!! Oh one more thing. Each time I sat down to meditation, I had the intention that an answer, a clue or an angel would appear to me and tell me again what to do. Now I was just watching, or as you wrote, I was working on working out the hate that is inside me ... But now how do I do to talk to the angel through meditation? Can you give any tips? In the evening I watched a movie on YouTube: Growth. A very interesting film about ufo, renewable, unlimited sources of energy. I fell asleep for a while and didn't watch, but at some point I woke up. Specifically at the time when there was a fragment about society. When you are not subject to social rules and norms - people destroy you themselves and control each other. SYSTEM! I saw it as if I was myself. I was raided ... Yes, I feel overwhelmed by the system, and I thought that nothing in my life would ever threaten me again !!!

Nosebleed

March 20 - blood from the nose. Morning Rheumatologist. I hesitated to simulate my hips, but let it go. Maybe it is even better. I will show the first photo of Lototska street, then to mruk Then Bargiel. I felt like a creep. Then I practiced. In the afternoon I took measurements. I had the impression that I got less than 36cm. In the hospital, I also ate 2 delicious sandwiches. Today he wrote mateusz-earning "when you will, write it urgently, because in this script something probably fell, these links do not work" When I read this, I didn't want to write back to him, but if he wrote a little more persuasively arousing curiosity: "as soon as you will, write it!" This would already arouse some curiosity in me and I would like to answer him right away ... Blood from the nose, like michael scofield. Plus cips for the night. There is pain in the lumbar spine, as if it is muscle pain - overworked. I don't even know how to cure it ...

The refrigerator is interrupted

Tramal hypnosis

Morning Tramal. I started feeling the effects very late, around 13-14. Here are the notes: 10:09 - negligible effects. Maybe because I recently took 200 mg, although on the other hand, now in the morning around 7:00 I took 100 mg on an empty stomach, but I didn't drink milk. But even if it does not work, it will write down the conclusions whether the milk strengthens the tramal. I will be more sure about my assumptions. 11:12 - almost 1 hour later - I still do not feel the effects of the tram. 2:00 pm Tramal entered. In the morning I went to exercise in the park. I have modified my training. I train my chest exercises that I didn't like doing at home, and I train my legs in the park. Such modification turned out to be good for me - I feel that I am doing something new, something different. The mind does not get bored. Today I showed David my chest, although he says nothing special. The photo in Janosik looks really impressive, and now - guts. This David, despite not exercising, has a much harder chest I registered with dr. Bargiel, on April 9 at 10.20. 15:00 Tramal hypnosis with Esther. Super condition! :) Put together a pretty cool script. The effect of entering the tram + its presence and script brought me into such a meditative state. It was nice to lie in the crib. I didn't feel lonely. Simply blogging! :) Home and family are my obstacles in meditating. The homely family atmosphere was never too friendly. Fear of the mother. Yes, I could meditate much easier in the presence of the ester. We made an initial appointment at 21.00. Ah, this blissfulness, silence, lack of music and his words. It was really cool. It is true that it was not possible to contact the angel, but I hope that one day it will be successful :) Now, after the evening training, I feel that the effect of the tram has evaporated. It's a pity because it normally keeps me much longer. Another event of the evening day. In the evening, my mother insulted me, I had a great Riposte cut in my head, everything was arranged in one puzzle: - What, mom didn't love you, now you have to challenge me. You hated your father too, but you have to protect your reputation and pretend to be crying at the funeral. I will not cry for you at your funeral, moreover I will not pretend, and even come out in front of the altar and shout: jeah !!! this foul whore is finally dead. Let Christ save her, lest evil souls take her suck off Satan's dicks (oh fucking but strong!) ... And so I rode in my imagination. But I was proud of myself: D PS As for traveling pain. I eat light and healthy - I listen to my body and not my mind. Thanks to why the pain doesn't travel and it feels great! The pain does not move and I am happy! :) This pain occurs when I do something wrong with my body, mainly nutrition. Now for the evening I found the website backtrack.pl

Resuming Training

Resuming Workout - Light nutrition in the morning Ester and the Indigo children. I ate cereal for the night so that my mother would not be bothered that I did not eat supper, although I did not want to eat anything. I feel like I've poisoned myself. I didn't feel like eating the 3rd meal. Earlier, I ate apples and ate, in fact, I ate these apples too hard. After lunch, I had absolutely no desire to eat anything. My stomach was full of overeating - I ate quite a lot of cereal, in addition to sugar Corn Flakes. Ah, but I regret poisoning my body. He let me know it was the traveling pain that is now circulating in my body. This is a sign that I made a mistake, because when I was doing everything fine with my body these last days - the pain was not moving, it was all right!

Opioid vapors

March 16 - Opioid vapors In the morning Ester hypnosis, unfortunately it ended in failure. Also, I woke up around 2:00 am for the opioid. I went to sit in front of the laptop in the diamond position. I spoke to the ester. He revealed to me an interesting technique of searching pictures in google - it's great !!! In addition, I found an add-on for Chrome to have a negative side (so-called night mode) and a linux skin with a conky (blue one) which I liked a lot. Unfortunately, I had problems with both during the installation ... Today - in the morning I was in bed until 10. I did not get up. A light breakfast, a light dinner and I feel full of energy. I keep a weight of 72 kg. Is great! Theoretically, I should start working on a graph program - but I don't feel like it. I came up with the idea to post a fragment on the 4programmers forum so that someone will solve part of the task for me. It remains to believe that it will succeed, 200 zlotys of infantry do not go. Today, really beautiful winter weather. I look forward to training on Monday. Or maybe I will start training from tomorrow? Finally, on Tuesday I will have to have a break again ... It is also good to prepare a training plan. I feel really great on these opioids !!! In the evening I ate a packet of nuts, then I had dinner 2 slices so hard, because I did not want to eat it. after this supper, my pain began to tremble sharply, because earlier it was quite decent, it was quite ok. Today I changed the radio station Music Oriental. Pretty cool songs. I really like at least 80 tracks on air. I have planned and resumed training tomorrow.

Reliable Obligation

March 15 - SolidneObzarstwo Hearty breakfast 4 slices I will have to correct the program and write a new one for the next guest. Software update Conversation with Mateusz Labuda on Skype. Buried rabka The nonsense of living in the afternoon Falling in love with Kaji. I like the name Nathaniel Hearty supper - feel sorry for yourself Today I was supposed to do 2 orders, but I neglected this matter. Despite the heavy binge eating for breakfast and dinner, at least I didn't stuff myself with sweets. David noticed this and said: what sweetness are you not eating? I said in my mind: more for you. Fuck, where is my cut retort, this diary writes so much and I can't get them back ... Now that I stuffed myself like a pig for dinner, the pains began to wander through me. Today Jerzy Krupa called me again. Like a coward, I avoid talking to him. PS a moment ago, out of this nonsense of life, I decided to take Tramal 100mg of course. This is the perfect dose. Although I took 5 days ago, but fuck with it. I pissed myself off like a pig, but fuck it. I really want a tramal. By the way, he will write down how this drug worked for me with such a large meal. And why not take a 200mg probe to check something new, see what I have to deal with then? Ok dear diary. New experiment - I have now taken 200mg of Tramal. This is against my rules, because at 150 mg I am already mega sleepy. What will happen at 200? In addition, I chewed well. It's 20:22, after biting what I remember, the first results were after 30 minutes. We'll see what happens...